I've been thinking about what my Word of the Year will be. It's taken me a while, because last year was a challenging one for me, and I've felt such a fresh start to this one, and there are so many thing I'm wrapping my head around.
Life with 4 (very intensely alive and soulful) children and all that brings, striving to build my little business and see it bless my family more as well as more of the world, keeping creatively sharp and passionate despite the fullness of life, staying a good friend and staying aware of and serving the people around me, and learning to over come personal challenges all with the beauty of no sleep.
My husband found some old home videos on Christmas, and one night we pulled out the tape (yes a tape) of me and Kenneth backpacking through Europe in 2004. We'd been infertile for 3 years, and I was at my end of all the emotions that go along with that. I was tired and scared of turning into a worrisome twenty-something. I had stopped really "living."
We had saved money for an infertility surgery that we weren't sure if insurance would cover. And we wouldn't find out until after the surgery. That took all my faith. And that's another story. But in the end, insurance paid for it!
So, what did we do? Did we put it in savings? Did we put it aside?
We grabbed plane tickets and back packed through Europe for 5 weeks. We had a plan, but we left so much to chance. We had to release and relive, and that's just what we did.
We stayed with an old Italian man we met at the train station on the Italian Coast who couldn't speak english, but had a great view; We wandered through the sheep filled countryside in Wales and got lost until we found a bed and breakfast we could afford. We landed in a small town outside of Venice at midnight in the rain, and knocked on doors until we found an open room (that one was a little scary). We took a 3 hour train that we didn't have tickets for (we got on the wrong train) and played cards in the dining car to avoid the ticket master (thanks Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby for that one).
All in all, I was fearless. I'd been so beaten down and disheartened from not being able to get pregnant, and I felt like I could handle anything.
Then the kids came. And we were witnessing miracles.
But something happened to my mother-heart.
I loved so much, that I started to worry just as much. I started watching every step. I would put on the alerts that only a mother can have. I would sleep with one eye and one ear open. I was always on the watch it seemed. And slowly, but surely, I've become just that. I've forgotten how to let go, and be BRAVE.
I'm not talking about the kind of BRAVE that you put on to mother children. That's the BRAVEST of all the BRAVES!
I'm talking about the kind of BRAVE that it takes to break free from habits, try new ways, leave your comfort zone, and trust.
The kind BRAVE that makes you fearless. Willing to let go and soar.
I've grown up since those careless summer days in France, but I've also forgotten how to let go.
And that's hard to do when you are responsible for little people.
But it's my new goal. It's my new road.
Sara Bareilles' song BRAVE has been on repeat, and I've been pumped up ready for this new year. 2014 is my year. I feel it.
You are welcome to download this and use it for your personal use. It's my motto this year.